I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
