Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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