is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
