I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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