i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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