paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
