pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
