i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
