I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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