I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
