I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
