textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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