I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
