I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
