My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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