Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
