My underwear smells like fireworks.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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