you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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