Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
