seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
