Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
