Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
