Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
