Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
