i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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