no, he came in my armpit
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
