Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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