I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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