soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
