I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
