i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
