I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
