maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
