I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
