I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wish there were birth control emojis
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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