I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
