She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
