I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
