im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
