She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
should my penis look like a turkey
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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