The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
