The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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