I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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