some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
