I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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