Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
