It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
