if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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