I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
