How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
